I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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