I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
