You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
