she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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