In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
