he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
