Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
