At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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