You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
