The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize
