My sheets look like a crime scene.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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