what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
