I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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