he puts the penis in happiness.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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