I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Randomize
