first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
