What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Randomize
