The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
ugly people sure do ruin things
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
