i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
