I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
