MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
