Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
He passed out mid-signature
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
