First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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