I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
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