Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
