Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
