He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
