WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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