just come out here and I will go home with you...
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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