he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
did i just pee glitter
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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