john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
try to milk me bitch
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