I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
