i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
