I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
this beer tastes like vomit already
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Randomize
