On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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