Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
