:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
