It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Randomize
