First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
