Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
