I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
