it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Randomize
