Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
