If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
