I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
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