Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
