the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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