So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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