guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
