A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Randomize
